Life is not your social conditioning.

Let us consider the first of Captain Life's terms, namely, "When you come aboard my ship you may not bring with you any books, or photographs, or paintings. Instead you will bring only a pen and blank paper."

The implications are that if we wish to participate in life, rather than in social conditioning, then we need to forget everything we have been taught (books), and we must discard everything we think we know (photographs and paintings), so that we can start writing a new script (pen and blank paper) for the life we would like to have.

Think for a moment about what you have been taught. Were you ever taught to think for yourself? Or were you merely taught to think like everybody else? Were you ever given the tools with which to find the meaning of life for yourself? Or were you merely instructed in upholding the prejudices and beliefs of others? Were you ever taught to value your own experience over and above information gained from others? Or were you mostly reprimanded into feeling embarrassed by your experiences? What have you learned that you can truly call your own knowledge? In fact, if you really want to be honest, you will be horrified to realise how little of what you profess to know is your own knowledge gained through your own experience. Most of the stuff people look upon as their knowledge is in fact only the ideas and beliefs of others, often untried and untested as to their validity and efficacy, and which have been assimilated through either voluntary or enforced social conditioning.

If then you have so little real knowledge about life or, more precisely, since you have placed so little value upon what you yourself have learned through practical experience, is it surprising that you should find it difficult to relate to others, to life and, above all, to yourself? But let us take a closer look at what all of this really means. It doesn't matter who we are trying to relate to, whether this is our romantic partner, our parents, our siblings, our employer or the world in general; if we are to relate properly to others the first step is for us to take the other person's state of being into consideration, and this is true also in relating to ourselves. Yet how aware are you of your own state of being, let alone that of others? By "state of being", I mean where any person, including you, is at in his or her life - how that person thinks, feels and responds because of the circumstances in his or her life.

In order to see how rarely we are aware of another's, or our own, state of being we only need to look at the many different types of relationship in the world around us. For example, all too often amongst siblings we find that even though they mostly share a common view of the world, they very rarely, if ever, share a common dream. The only things most siblings have in common are their parents, for instead of really relating to each other, in the sense of taking each other's state of being into consideration, there is often only a sense of rivalry - a sense of "if you hadn't been born, then I could have had all the attention." Such a relationship can hardly be termed "relating to", but is rather more in the nature of competition which has its basis in the feeling of being threatened in some way. As a result, siblings tend to spend more time in competing against each other for their parents' attention, or in trying to outdo each other academically, or on the sports field, than in trying to get to know each other.

Even in the workplace we find this same sense of competing against others, rather than a striving together in an endeavour to complement one another, by getting to know both the strengths and the weaknesses in ourselves and our colleagues. Consequently, colleagues in the workplace tend mostly to be unspoken enemies, each being terrified that someone in the office will actually get to know them for who and what they really are. But once again, it is very difficult to relate to a facade, to an act; we can only relate successfully with the real person behind the mask.

The examples can go on and on. How often do a mother and daughter not go into undeclared competition for the father's attention, simply because neither of them truly believe in their own value and therefore need a man's assurance in order to feel better about themselves? How often does a son not try desperately to live up to his father's expectations of him, believing that unless he does so his father will not love him for being just who and what he is? How often does a mother not run her son's life even long after he has left home, simply because he does not trust his own knowledge, and because his mother cannot find any value in her own life unless she is needed by her son? How often does an employer not resort to enforcing authoritarianism rather than practising participative management, and simply because he has such a low self-esteem that he feels threatened by even the tea girl?

We can make our list as long as we like, but if you will look into your own life, you will see your own examples of competition versus relationship. Irrespective of all outer appearances, the bottom line in all these cases is, firstly, not taking into consideration the other person's state of being; and secondly, not believing in your own knowledge and value, and therefore feeling threatened by all and sundry. With this in mind, one can see that very few people have relationships in the true sense of the word, for instead of relating to others, they are merely competing against those people, the end result of which is a behaviour pattern which is normally quite destructive to all parties concerned. In this respect, realise that the fruit of any true relationship is both uplifting and strengthening to both parties. This follows from the meaning of the word, which is, "to connect to" or "to connect with", and which, of course, is the very antithesis of "competing against".

As an exercise to see how well you rate in your supposed relationships, make a list of them all, giving special attention to those relationships which are so often taken for granted, for example, your relationship with your neighbours, your weekly maid, your household pet and most especially your relationship with yourself. In doing this, do not try to kid yourself, for it is total honesty that is called for here, and it is therefore important that you pay careful attention to even those relationships which you think are good, remembering in respect of these that the mark of a true relationship is one which is mutually uplifting and strengthening, and not one which is mutually destructive and weakening. For example, look at your friends, and assess for yourself whether you and your friends support each other in your strengths, or whether you merely commiserate with each other in your weaknesses. A true friend is someone who loves you enough to speak his or her mind openly and without fear of losing the friendship for having spoken up. Someone who agrees with even your most unimpeccable actions and behaviour simply so as to keep the friendship is not a friend, but rather a partner in crime!



To relate to ourselves, to others, or to the world, we need to be aware.

The first step in starting to relate properly is to cultivate the habit of being fully alert to everything around you, as well as inside of you. Being alert is not only a prerequisite for being aware of another's state of being, but it is also vital for cultivating a fluidity in our perception. In other words, it will not help you to go through life fixated upon only your own point of view. Instead you need to develop an openness to all points of view, but without doubting your own knowledge when you do so. You will soon find as many different points of view as there are people in the world. This should hardly be surprising considering that each individual is unique in his or her approach to life. But the real beauty in all of this is that each person's point of view is like one facet of a diamond. Therefore you have one facet, I have another, and yet others have completely different facets, but when we put all of those facets together, what a brilliance of light is reflected by that diamond. What a magnificent intelligence is displayed when many minds join forces in one endeavour, instead of competing against each other in the sense of "I'm right and therefore you must be wrong." To develop this kind of approach to life is a benefit of being aware.

With respect to the word "awareness", you should remember to differentiate clearly between awareness and consciousness. The word consciousness means to "share knowledge", which, of course, implies taking into account another person's state of being. Awareness, on the other hand, means "the quality or condition of being emotionally and intuitively sensitive", but more significantly, has its origins in the Latin word "vereri", meaning "to be fearful".

This is relevant in our consideration of relationships, for wherever there is fear, or even just a sense of fear, the person concerned will be hyper-alert and therefore wide awake. However, in speaking about "a sense of fear" as opposed to plain "fear", we are once again carefully differentiating between two very different states of being. An analogy may help to clarify this.

Think of a fire, and what happens when you hold your hand close to that fire. Normally you will experience a sense of burning, and that sense of burning will bring up in you a sense of fear that will stop you from being stupid enough to plunge your hand into red hot coals. If, on the other hand, someone has you all trussed up like a bundle and is busy rolling you towards a nice big fire, you will not just be sensing a fear of burning, but will more than likely already be in a total panic in anticipation of being used for a taper!

This distinction is so important because most people will only ever become wide awake, or fully aware, when their survival is being threatened in some way. Therefore it is always either real fear, or at least the sense of fear, that spurs people into a state of wakefulness, or awareness. However, since we are trying to learn to relate, rather than constantly feeling threatened by even a firefly, we cannot afford to have ourselves forced into being aware. We need to develop this faculty consciously. The main reason for this is that unless their physical survival is being threatened, most people simply succumb to their fear, in the sense of being so caught up in it that they are debilitated by it.

To be debilitated by fear is a very common occurrence, and the effects are the same for everyone - you become drained of your strength and you feel weak and powerless. In short, as your fear grows, so your strength goes.

People all too often feel bad about admitting to their fear. We get taught that it is a sign of weakness, or some such deficiency. Yet this need not be and should not be. All of the evolution of life on this planet takes place through the medium of fear, for all types of fear are merely so many different expressions of the instinct to self-preservation. All plants, animals, insects and human beings register fear. Look around you and see if there is anything at all that is not subject to fear.

And yet, although it is experienced by all life-forms, fear is a strangely intangible force, an emotion which we cannot ever fully identify, although clearly we need to bring it into its proper perspective if it is not going to debilitate us. Therefore let us consider an example of how fear can debilitate us.

Consider the insurance companies. These companies dominate our economy, for they are some of the biggest economic powers. Why? Because all of their business is based upon the element of fear. If you let an insurance agent into your home, the chances are that by the time he leaves you will have invested in insurance against fire, insurance against theft, insurance against medical expenses and, to boot, a life insurance. And all of this investment will be purely because the agent will have earned himself a fat commission on having instilled in you a very real fear that unless you have all of these insurances, you will be in dire straits when, (note, not if), all these catastrophies strike you. The fact that you might well be a single person, but that you have still ended up being insured against kicking the bucket, even though you have neither spouse, child, relative, dog, cat, or parrot, may well puzzle you for some time to come, or at least for as long as it takes for you to become aware that you have been ripped off, but the fear will most certainly be quite pervasive!

However, on a more positive note, remember that it is also fear which drives us, spurs us on to becoming bigger and better, wiser and more tolerant, more awake and therefore also more responsive. Consequently, to be fully aware and wide awake, we need to be fearful in the sense of, "I'm afraid this insurance agent is going to try to force me into parting with a considerable portion of my income". Obviously this is an altogether different ball-game to being debilitated by fear in the sense of, "Oh, dear! I fear the consequences to myself if I do not follow the advice of this insurance agent."

Therefore in being wide awake we need, first of all, to acknowledge our fear, instead of trying to pretend it is not there, or trying to brush it aside; and secondly, to face our fear and get it into its proper perspective, so that we can learn to use it to our advantage rather than allowing it to debilitate us.



Being wide awake implies not only using your fear, but also developing respect.

Through being wide awake we learn to use our fear in the manner of a tool with which to keep us on our toes. However, if we are to learn to use fear constructively we also need to know the meaning of respect, not only for others but also for ourselves. Where there is no sense of fear we will too quickly start taking things, or people, for granted. Realise, though, that to spend one's life half asleep, and not to have any sense of fear, implies a flippant attitude towards life - an attitude that smacks of not caring either about oneself or others. Such an attitude is very much a case of "If you don't like it, lump it," and "If I lose this relationship, or this house, there are plenty more fish in the sea, and plenty more houses on the market". Such an attitude is one of total disrespect.

Therefore the real meaning of being wide awake is to have a sense of fear based upon respect. Where there is no fear and no respect you will soon find yourself nodding off, since you are bored out of your mind, and if you are not in your mind, then you cannot possibly be awake!

Putting all of this into a nutshell: if by now you have figured out that your relationships are working at a mere 10%, it means that you are snoring for 90% of the time.

If, on the other hand, you have no idea what I'm on about, I don't blame you. It also took me an awfully long time to figure out why all my most treasured relationships always mysteriously ended up as a soggy gooey mess. You know the kind of relationship I mean? Those nice, warm, comfortable ones in which one lies around and shares even one's darkest secrets until all hours of the morning. I always wondered why those relationships so quickly ended up in mutual contempt, until finally it dawned on me that what was missing in all of these relationships was fear and respect

Practically speaking, what does this really mean? In order to see this in action, let's take the example of a romantic relationship.

Consider any young man who has met a gorgeous girl a few days before. Now Tom has not been able to stop thinking about the pretty Thea ever since he met her, and having finally come to the momentous conclusion that he simply must see her again, Tom has the thoroughly original idea of phoning Thea to ask her out to dinner. But this is now where the sense of fear can begin to surface.

Suddenly Tom is no longer so sure about himself, and as a result all sorts of fears begin to shake his belief in himself. "What happens if she does not want to go out with me?" "What happens if I find out that she is married, or engaged, or something like that?" "What will I do if she tells me straight out that she thinks I'm a jerk?"

Needless to say, we all know how Tom is going to handle that first date if he does scrape his courage together and manages to invite Thea to dinner. Tom will be wide awake, and oh, so very attentive! He will be aware of his every move, his every smile, his every wink, and he will not miss even the slightest opportunity of making Thea feel like a virgin queen. Even before Tom leaves the house he will make doubly certain that he looks at his best and most masculine. The car will be washed and polished, the house tip-top for coffee after the meal, and his aftershave will still be heavy in the air from the night before when the bouquet of flowers arrives at Thea's front door the following morning.

But now, what happens? Thea has fallen hopelessly in love with this dashing and utterly charming young prince, and consequently marries him on the turn with stars in her eyes -stars that quickly enough turn into daggers, for now having made his catch, good old Tom is once again back to his usual self. Sloppy old jeans and dirty t-shirt, dried out shaving cream lying in the bathroom which is littered with his clothing from the day before. Tom is sprawled out on the couch in the TV room watching soccer, or some other equally vile sport, whilst Thea is doing the cooking, the laundry, struggling with a lawnmower that is too big for her, and trying to wash the car in the hot afternoon sun. "Flowers? You want, flowers, my dear Thea? Why? If you would like flowers go pick them. I see you have planted a whole garden full of them."

Get the picture? Respect has flown out the window because Tom no longer feels the need to be fearful. After all, he is quite the hottest hunk around the neighbourhood, and although he may not be too macho with the lawnmower, he knows how to make the bed rattle and squeak. Thea should be only too grateful that he, Tom, chose her for his wife! In his complacency, Tom is not even aware of the fact that Thea's adoring smile has become one of open contempt.

We find exactly the same principle operating within our work environment. For example, your boss suddenly informs you that he would like to have a meeting with you at 14h00 sharp, but doesn't tell you what the meeting is going to be about. In that moment up comes the sense of fear again, especially if, for example, you have not been able to finish your latest project on time. All sorts of thoughts and questions based upon fear will start going through your mind. "Gee! Am I going to be fired?" "Am I going to be reprimanded?" "Am I going to lose my bonus?" "What's actually going to happen in that meeting?"

But once again that sense of fear, that sense of the unknown, will make you wide awake and will also make you far more respectful than you would normally be. So, by the time you walk into that office at 14h00, not knowing what to expect, you are going to be very respectful, very much on your toes and certainly very wide awake.

Therefore if you want any relationship to be successful and fulfilling, you need to remain wide awake, and in order to do that you cannot ever afford to become complacent by forgetting your fear, neither can you ever afford not to be utterly respectful.



Life revolves around polarities, whether negative and positive, black and white, spirit and man, or male and female.

Having looked at the example of Tom and Thea, we now come to that age-old thorny issue surrounding the true role of the male and the female. What do you understand of this concept? Or have you long since abandoned all hope of ever understanding it and submitted to utter confusion?

Here is where you are really going to have to put aside all of your social conditioning, or at least for long enough to hear me out. If you will only bear with me, you might find that you end up liking what I have to say!

Nonetheless, it is not your blind trust that I am asking for. What I am suggesting is that once you have an overall picture of what I am trying to get across, you can at least try this section out for yourself. If it works for you, then that will be great, but it is senseless to discard something when you don't even know what it is, or before at least trying it out as to its usefulness.

Even if you have put these techniques into practice, and you find that they are not working for you, then first of all check whether you have applied them correctly. If you haven't, then apply them correctly and see if they now work for you. If, after you are totally certain that you are applying the techniques correctly, they still do not work for you, then by all means chuck this book out the window!

What are the basic differences between the male and the female? The way in which things have been set up by the powers of nature is that the male is the hunter. Therefore, it is the male who goes out to the workplace, and it is primarily he who must bring home the food.

The female, on the other hand, because she holds within herself the mysteries of conception and childbirth, is the one who stays at home tending the hearth and the family.

Later in this book, we will be looking at all of this in much greater detail, but for now I am just introducing this all-important concept so that this section makes more sense.

But what does this actually mean? Quite simply, it means that the male, because it is he who carries and secretes the life-giving sperm, is predominantly concerned with the world around him, that is, with the outer world. Just as his reproductive organs are situated on the outside of his body, so too does the male secrete his sperm into the outside world. In other words, in the same way that the male must plant the fields surrounding his home so as to propagate food, so must he also find a wife in whom to plant his sperm if he is to propagate his species. This means that the male instinctively regards himself as being a part of the greater world, and knows that if he is going to be able to grow his crops and find a wife, then he needs to be in harmony with the world around him. In this respect, realise that for the male it is ultimately only him and the world out there, and that his survival, as well as that of his family, is very much dependent upon his harmonious interaction with that big, bad world out there. Therefore it is one thing to be all cocky with your neighbour when you are on the safe side of the fence, but discretion is by far the better part of valour when your opponent in business is very clearly busy manoeuvring himself into a position of gaining the upper hand! Likewise, to be the hunter stalking a buck is quite exciting, but to be stalked by a hungry lion is not nearly as much fun, and unless the hunter is intimately familiar with the world around him, which he can only be if he is in harmony with it, the lion will not be hungry for long.

The female, because she is tending the hearth and the family, is not concerned with the world out there, for in the same way that her reproductive organs are situated on the inside of her body, so too does conception and pregnancy take place on the inside of the female's body. Therefore, being essentially concerned with caring for the unborn child in her womb, just as she is in caring for the born children left in her care in the cave which is her family's home, the female is essentially cut off from the outer world. As a result, the female automatically delves within herself to find answers to how best, let us say, raise her children, and how to keep the cave clean and warm, for, to the female, her outer cave is highly symbolic of her inner cave, that is, her womb. Thus the woman instinctively knows she has to turn within, and so she is far more concerned with the inner world than with the outer world.

The main difference which emerges here is that the male has to practise harmony in order to be a successful hunter, whereas the female, through having to delve within herself to find the answers she seeks, becomes more and more engrossed in analysing and dividing in order to achieve clarity on any specific problem. The overall effect of these most basic differences is that the male learns to think in order to outwit his prey, and to discover where best to plant his seed, whilst the female, through having to ascertain what is happening within the cave of her home, as well as within the cave of her womb, learns to rely more upon gut feeling, that is, feeling with the womb.



True thinking has nothing to do with internal dialogue.

It is quite sad that although we are all encouraged to rationalise, no-one actually teaches us to think in the true sense of the word. We are all experts at juggling concepts around in our minds - concepts which invariably bring forth all sorts of emotions, and these spark off even more ideas or concepts, which in turn also bring forth more emotions. Thus there is seldom any real thought, only what we term internal dialogue.

If you want to be honest with yourself, how often do you really think "straight"? You know, like right now?

"Why is he asking me that question? (Growl!) Who gives him the right to infer that I can't think straight? It is just like that man the other day who was implying that I was trying to do him in just because I had not paid my bill on time. Oh, heavens! (Panic) That reminds me! I think I forgot to tell the kids that I will be late picking them up from school today. (Perplexed as to what to do. Anxiety) Can't think straight! Bah! (Indignation) Arrogant arsehole! Shall I phone the school to contact the kids? (Discomfort) What on earth will the school secretary think of me? (Annoyance and frustration) Oh, damned! Can't think straight! Maybe I should......?"

Does this somehow ring a bell with you? That is what we call internal dialogue, as opposed to true thinking, which never takes any time to perform and is always clean and clear because it is the instantaneous recall or registration of knowledge. However, in order to understand what this actually means, you should know that there is a huge difference between real knowledge and information.

Information is exactly what the word implies - information about something we have not known before, and invariably gained through some outside source, such as another person, a book, the radio, television, etcetera. Knowledge, on the other hand, arises from within, in that it is something you know for sure either because you have experienced it in the past, or else because you are experiencing it right now. For example, if you have never been to France, but you are reading literature on France, you are gaining outside information on France. But if you arrive in France, and are travelling through that country, you are gaining firsthand personal experience of that country.

It does not matter how much literature you have read on France, and it does not matter how many people you have spoken to who have been to France, for until you yourself have been to France you cannot claim to have knowledge of France in the true sense of the word. Therefore France to you remains the unknown, about which you may or may not have some information. Once you have firsthand experience of France, though, you can rightfully claim to know France, or to have knowledge of France, in which case that country is now for you the known.

Now in coming back to our consideration of the male and the female, the reason why it is so important to know the difference between knowledge or experience, as opposed to information, is that if we are to define the true roles of the male and the female accurately, we need to grasp what is meant by the known and the unknown.

If we look at the male, who is the hunter, we see that he can only hunt his prey with the knowledge which is available to him. In other words, since he has to recall and draw on what is known to him, the male is predominantly occupied with the known. The male may well also experiment with information he has gleaned from somewhere else, but until he has tried out that information he cannot know if or how it works.

The female, because she is constantly having to delve within herself to come up with answers to her challenges, is constantly facing the unknown, that is, the unknown within herself. Herein lies the female's real challenge, for unlike the male, who is concerned with making his mark in the outside world with what for him is the known, the female has to find answers to what is not known, and in order to do this, she delves into the unknown of her own inner being. What this implies is that in dealing with the unknown, there is nothing to think about, simply because there is no previous knowledge to recall. Therefore, when the female delves into the unknown, it means that she is up against a challenge that she has not experienced before and, as a result, she is quite literally pioneering in the true sense of the word. But as always in pioneering, the only thing the female can really rely upon is her feeling, that is, feeling her way in the dark - feeling her way within the dark of the unknown.

This should not be taken as suggesting that the female does not think, or that the male does not feel. I am simply pointing out here the basic differences in approach between the true male and the true female. There are a great many times when the male is called upon to feel, but even when this does happen, the male will still have a predilection for thinking, in the sense of comparing his feeling with that which is known. Likewise, the female will often act upon the known, but here too, because she is predominantly occupied with the inner world, she will more often than not sense that her knowledge of any given situation is not enough to provide all the answers that she feels are needed. Consequently, even in thinking about the situation, and even in recalling her knowledge, she will have a predilection for instinctively feeling into the unknown.



Emotions will always guide you to true feelings.

If feeling is best described as intuition, or sensing, or quite simply, gut feel, emotion is something we are all fully familiar with. Strangely enough, there is essentially only one emotion, namely, desire. Desire can be expressed by the words "I want to", which is a basic verbalisation of emotion. Nevertheless, desire does have four aspects: fear, anger, melancholy and joy. Fear is the desire to retreat, anger is the desire to fight, melancholy, the desire to change, and joy, the desire for life. Just a little thought on each of these definitions will soon make their deeper meanings clear.

If we look at all this in relation to the roles of the true male and the true female, we see that again there is a difference in approach, although not in usage. In the male's case it is him and the world out there, and therefore he tends to have a predilection for thinking. For the female it's her and her inner world, with the result that she relies far more upon feeling and, in this, learns also to work with the emotions far more consciously than the male.

For example, John and Barbara have an argument about something and both become angry, or both call forth the desire to fight. At first they fight each other, Barbara screaming at John that she feels he is not being caring enough, whilst John retorts angrily that he thinks she is being totally un-reason-able. John, of course, has reached for the sword of the known and, since he cannot recall any knowledge of where he has been uncaring, demands that Barbara gives him an example. She, on the other hand, cannot come up with any definite examples that make reason-able sense to John, simply because she is all fired-up with feeling, and is therefore brandishing around the sword of the unknown!

I am sure you have had dozens of such experiences. Barbara is acting upon the unknown, a hunch, a feeling, but John wants an answer based upon the known, and since she is unable to give him a reason-able answer, that is, an answer about which he can reason, he storms out of the house thinking that his wife is mad.

Barbara, left alone at home to look after the kids, the dog, the parrot, the ironing, the cooking and the garden, has no other recourse but to allow her anger, (her emotion), to guide her into finding the answers she seeks. Determined to find the answers to her feeling that her husband is not caring enough, she uses her anger to explore the depths of her own inner unknown.

John, on the other hand, is halfway down the road, using his anger, (his emotion), to guide him into trying to think about his wife's madness, but after not being able to find reason-able answers to his questions, unconsciously starts to get a feeling for what perhaps his wife was trying to tell him. Having got that feeling, John stops dead in his tracks and starts applying what he has just sensed, by means of comparing it with what it is he already knows about his behaviour.

However, in both instances, we see how emotion will always guide us into feeling our way around in the dark - if we only allow this most natural process to take place. But sadly, most of the time this process is ignored. Therefore instead of allowing his anger to guide him to a feeling, John will simply hit the pub with a vengeance, in the hope of finding a partner in crime who will commiserate with him on the unreasonableness of females. Back home, Barbara, instead of allowing her anger to guide her into a deeper feeling, will more often than not also find a partner in crime, or else will resort to feeling bad about herself, in the sense of feeling that she is too stupid to speak to her husband intelligently.

Yet all of this heartache is so unnecessary, if only both men and women will pause to consider that just as their bodies are different, so too are their respective functions different, and therefore also so too must their approach to life be different. In the next section we will look at how these differences are meant to be reconciled, and how a man and a woman can co-operate intelligently with each other, instead of going at each other with two swords which are, by definition, mutually incompatible.



The cornerstone of true love is intelligent co-operation.

To love your spouse, your child, your boss, or your parrot to bits, is no guarantee that your spouse will remain devoted to you forever, that your child will not defy your well-meant guidance, that your boss will not suddenly retrench you, or that your parrot will not bite your hand when you try to clean his cage. Most people's understanding of the word love has nothing at all to do with intelligent co-operation. In fact, the word "love", as well as the bizarre family of feelings that are normally associated with it, is today so widely de-fined, that it has no definition left! Having become de-fined to the nth degree, it is nothing but an unintelligible justification for all manner of vices, prejudices and preconceived ideas which make up the biggest portion of people's baggage - baggage which is mostly so coarse and so gross in content, that there is nothing fine about it. But what is even worse, is that it is all this de-fined baggage which people hang around the necks of their beloved ones, and woe to him or her who should even contemplate rejecting such an un-fine yoke! A yoke is not love. A yoke is a yoke, no matter how much we try to justify our attempts at enslaving another being.

True love, on the other hand, is a very fine thing indeed, and just because it is so very fine, cannot be defined in terms of words. True love can only be shown in terms of action. Thus, we demonstrate our love through our actions towards another, rather than demanding that the other person should live up to the set of conditions most people define as constituting love. You know what I mean. "If you love me, then you will fetch me my slippers." "If you love me, then you will not shout at me." "If you love me, you will give me more pocket money, and will never say no whenever I want to stay over at a friend's house." "If you love me, you will not encourage your secretary to sit on your lap." "If you love me, you will do this, you will do that, you mustn't do this, you mustn't do that." And so the list goes on and on, and the real meaning of the word becomes ever more distorted.

Demonstrating our love has nothing to do with fetching slippers or with handing out more pocket money. Demonstrating love means demonstrating intelligence within the act of co-operation. "Let me fetch you your slippers whilst you light the fire, because that way we save time - time we can spend together." "I will gladly pay you for mowing the lawn, in which case you can earn more pocket money, and I save by not having to use the gardening services." True love means sharing in the responsibility of co-creating the circumstances we wish for in our lives - circumstances that bring about feelings of trust, of belief in one another, of safeness and, above all, of warmth. Because true love is unconditional, it can only come into being when two people are prepared to co-operate intelligently towards building a relationship that is based, not upon expectations, (which are seldom, if ever fulfilled), but upon mutual respect, camaraderie, and that genuine warmth which comes from knowing that "If you win, then so do I", rather than, "Why don't you help me win this victory over you."

Where there is intelligent co-operation, true unconditional love is the inevitable result, a result that does not need to be defined, simply because the actions, or the inter-actions between the two people concerned, speak for themselves.

In order to understand how best to accomplish intelligent co-operation, we need to look closely at all of the social conditioning that we have gathered concerning both males and females, and especially within the context of romantic relationships. Therefore, think of everything you have been taught and everything you believe you have learned concerning both men and women. Now consider for a moment; how much of what you know tells you anything about how men and women are supposed to relate, that is, to co-operate intelligently? Yet realize that if the information you have is correct, then that information should make it quite clear how intelligent co-operation is to be achieved.

But the simple truth of the matter is that none of us have ever been taught what it really means to be a male or a female, and much less what is entailed in the act of intelligent co-operation. What's more, very few people in the world today realise that both men and women are essentially hermaphroditic, in that all men have an inner female side, just as all women have an inner male side.

Our physical bodies, and the sexual differences in our bodies, are simply a physical expression of the approach we are meant to take in this particular lifetime towards the evolution of our awareness. So if you have a male body, then on goes the thinking cap, and out into the big bad world you march with the banner of reason held high. But if you have a female body, then out comes the handkerchief to wipe away a tear or two, as you wave your man on his way, and before going back into your cave, your womb, your feelings. And yet, even as a man, you too have an inner cave - the ability to feel and to sense from the gut; just as the female too has an inner banner of reason which guides her through the darkness of the unknown, the endless labyrinths of human feeling. Realise though, that the gut is not the same as the womb, and neither is female reason the logic of male reason. For the male, feeling is inherent, a primordial knowing that he is here and that he needs to go there, and therefore his reason is linear in quality and consequently logical. For the female, feeling is all-pervasive, an evolving, or unfolding knowing that she is not going anywhere because she needs to be right here, and therefore is her reason circular in quality and more in the nature of gathering together all the bits and pieces that are required for being here now.



You are not your behaviour.

However, if we are to understand all of this mystical stuff, then it is vital for us to accept that we are mysterious creatures and that we have sides to our natures which we cannot see ourselves. People time and time again make the fatal mistake of assuming that they know themselves, when in actual fact the only thing they do know about themselves is how their behaviour is affected by the actions of others. Therefore it is with much presumed rather than true wisdom that someone says: "I know myself, for if you step on my toes, I know I will slap you; and if you steal my wife I know I shall wring your neck; and if you buy me an ice-cream, then, that is so kind of you, but what in hell's name is your ulterior motive for doing so?" Yet, what do any of these reactions to the actions of others tell us about who and what we really are? For example, if I change the gears in my car, the car reacts in a certain way, and if you try to change my point of view, then I too react in a certain way. But having noted the reactions of both my car and myself, this still does not make me understand how a car really works, or how someone can manage to make me react happily, sadly, angrily, or just plain stupidly. The only thing most people ever really learn from all of this wise observation is that my car is a lot less stubborn in having its gears shifted than I am in having my point of view shifted! Generally, people only ever learn to play the blame game. "How can you be so stubborn?" "I am not stubborn. You are the one who is stubborn!" Does this sound familiar?

However, it is not the fact that people play the blame game that is the problem, it is the fact that people never come to realise that the people around us are only our mirrors. Get the picture? So there you are standing in your bathroom in front of the mirror shaving, whilst all the time fuming about your stubborn wife, or kids, or dog, or boss. But the person you are conversing with in the mirror is you! In other words, if you are stubborn, your mirrors are forced to reflect that stubbornness for you. But if you are open-minded, then your mirrors must likewise reflect that openness for you. Therefore there is nothing wrong with playing the blame game, as long as we remember that if we do not like the face we are seeing in the mirror, then it is not the mirror's fault, or God's fault, but your own fault for having such an ugly face!

The concept of mirrors is not just restricted to our behaviour, but is equally applicable to our actions. Therefore if you steal the odd bit of stationary from work, or you "think" that no-one will mind if you take off from work for a little longer at lunchtime, then don't become indignant when one of your kids filches a few coins from your wallet, or a passing tramp "thinks" that you would not miss a couple of items off your washing line. What goes round comes round, and mirrors have a very inconsiderate tendency to reflect.

People are oblivious to the existence of mirrors, for the simple reason that they generally speaking only like nice mirrors, mirrors that show only the pretty side. "Oh! What an utterly adorable little girl. She reminds me so much of what I was like when I was that age. Such pretty rosy cheeks. Such beautiful hair. Such a loving smile." "Oh! What a perfectly horrid child! She reminds me so much of you when you sulk. Such an ugly scowl! Why don't you teach your child some manners!" I think you see my point, but if you would like to have more technical information on the true nature of mirrors, then you will have to read my other books.

The most important aspect about mirrors is that we cannot see our own inner selves, or our behaviour, without some kind of a mirror. This is especially true if we are trying to grasp our inner other half. Both males and females need to have a relationship with a member of the opposite sex in order to come to grips with their own inner counterhalf. It is only by studying the females around him that a man comes to understand the differences between males and females and, in that process, not only comes to understand his own inner female, but also begins to grasp what it is to be a true male. It is simply not possible to learn what it is to be a male when one is surrounded only by men who are just as ignorant and bewildered as you as to what it means to be a male. The only thing you will learn from other men is to take your drink standing up, to walk and talk like a real macho and to brag about your sexual prowess. In short, the only thing you will learn from your own sex is even more social conditioning. But the moment your wife locks you out for having come home drunk, or tries to stifle a giggle when you have just puffed out your manly chest, or turns her back to you in bed because she has a "headache", you are forced either into playing the blame game, or into doing some real deep soul-searching. Needless to say, although I have in this example used the masculine gender, exactly the same goes for the female.

The bottom line in all of this is that males and females are equal but different. Therefore, instead of engaging in the battle of the sexes and in blaming each other, we must study our counterparts in order to gain a better understanding of both our own gender as well as our inner opposite gender.

In the next section we will take a closer look at what this means in practical day-to-day terms.



The evolution of awareness proceeds in three stages, defined as the mother, the male and the female. The purpose of evolution is not only to unfold these three aspects of awareness, but also to reconcile them in such a manner as to bring about an intelligent co-operation between them.

In the introduction to this book I made the promise that I will skirt around technical issues, and I intend to keep to that promise. Therefore those of you who would like to have more in-depth information on this section of the teachings are recommended to read my other books, in order to grasp more fully what I am merely touching upon here ever so briefly.

People don't realise it, but the world today is very much the product of that particular aspect of awareness which is characterised by what we term the mother. In fact, most of our actions, thoughts and emotions are dictated by the mother. For example: "Before you leave the house go put on some better clothing, otherwise what will people think of you?" "When you go to work today, make sure you are polite to your boss. Impolite boys are not entitled to ask for time off." "You were always told to concentrate on your schoolwork. If you had better academic qualifications you could now be earning a lot more money."

Whether this kind of dialogue is coming from your real mother, your wife, (or your husband, for that matter), your friends, or whether it is just simply in your own head, the fact remains that you still think, feel and, most important of all, behave like a small boy or girl who needs to be told what to do in order to get the approval of someone else, including, of course, the approval of mother! However, if we need to be told what to do, what to think, what to feel and what to say, how can there ever be intelligent co-operation? Every time a marriage or a romantic relationship lands on the rocks, it is without fail because the woman is in mother mode and the man is in little boy mode. In the beginning this is not too much of a problem, but once the novelty of the relationship or marriage begins to wear off, the man begins to tire of always being told what to do and the woman begins to resent the fact that she is always having to tell hubby what to do. And so the script goes something like this:

Man: Stop telling me what to do! Do you think I'm stupid, or something?

Woman: Can't you think for yourself? How can you arrange to go out for drinks when you know today is my mother's birthday?

Man: Where are we supposed to turn off?

Woman: Take the next turn-off, not this one.

Man: Why can't I take this turn-off? Who's driving this car anyway?

Woman: But you asked me where to turn-off!

Man: Yes, I know, but this turn-off is just as good as the next one!

Man: Would you like to go out for dinner tonight

Woman: Yes, that sounds lovely.

Man: Good! Where would you like to go?

Woman: Anywhere nice. You decide.

Man: Stop being so goddamned vague! Just make up your mind, woman! I asked you where you would like to go to.

Woman: Listen here, Pighead! If I tell you where I would like to go to, you will accuse me of always wanting to wear the blinking pants!

Much the same kind of scenario tends to take place in the bedroom, and therefore it is also not long before the man, being eager to please mother, begins to feel very inadequate because mother is tired of being made love to by a little boy and of having to tell him what to do, and what not to do.

Man: Why are you so cold towards me?

Woman: I'm not cold. Only tired.

Man: Well, how can I really turn you on?

Woman: I don't know. I've got a headache. Let's just go to sleep.

Even in the workplace this scenario also tends to play itself out in a very similar fashion, even if it is between a male boss and a male employee. This is something we will look at more closely a little later on. I am for now only trying to get across the concept that the world today is still very much controlled by the mother awareness, and by men and women trying to get the mother's approval in one way or another.

Yet, in relation to all of this, do not be fooled by the general belief that we are living in a patriarchal society. The fact that the male gods seem to have triumphed over the female goddesses of antiquity, and the fact that the world is only just beginning to emerge out of a huge swamping over of sexual inequality, male chauvinism and female suppression, is merely the result of little boys having temporarily rebelled against the tyrannical rule of the mother. But throughout all of this rebellion, mother has emerged intact, somewhat dishevelled and, needless to say, not at all pleased! The end result? Men, or rather, the little boys, have been brought sharply to their knees, and feeling awfully sheepish and guilty about their misdemeanours, are now bending over backwards to try and please mother more than ever before!

And now? Well, clearly, all the valiant knights in shining armour are gone and so too are the brave hunters of yesteryear. In a world that has to pay for its crime against mother, there is no place for heroes! In fact, the heroes had their chance, screwed up (excuse the pun), and must not again be given the chance to overrun the authority of mother.

So now what? Well, now I think that perhaps you can begin to see that it is intelligent co-operation that is needed, and not rebellion or suppression. The mother has her place, and is therefore not meant to be annihilated or suppressed. It is more a question of little boys having to grow up and, in growing up, gaining the ability to see the value in mother's wisdom, and then seeking out ways in which to co-operate with her, rather than remaining firmly attached to her apron strings. In other words, it is time for men to become true males, because no mother has a problem trusting a son who has proved his ability as a hunter. But no woman in her right mind is ever going to trust a little boy who only proves his irresponsibility time and time again, and then wants to be rude about it as well!

So then, what is a true male and, for that matter, where does the true female fit into all of this? We will shortly be looking at what is meant by the true male and female, but what we have discovered so far is that essentially the female is dual in nature, that is, every female has two sides to her; the mother and the woman.