The other day I was amongst friends and we were exploring the way forward with our mutual endeavor.

I kept suggesting an idea, but in my perception this idea was not given space. Then I felt very vulnerable as something inside of me, that did not make any sense at all, was creating some pressure in me!

It was a mixture of rage and horror.

I did not panic, and decided to open up myself to my friends and to share how I really felt in that moment – without judging myself that I will appear weak. My friends asked me questions as to what was really going on, so I let my heart guide me.

During the process, I found that I see a huge value in the creative process and how this can be done differently – in the same way I see occurs in nature. Allowing one idea to grow – and then adding another to complement and upgrade that one, then a new idea grows out of this to serve a new need that emerges, and so on: a whole interconnected system appears with a common purpose.

I discovered that to express openly how I really feel requires a lot of strength, as it makes me feel quite vulnerable. And the conditioning within which I live does not support males to express openly how they feel.

But there is a step before I expose myself. Being vulnerable begins inside me initially when I face something irrational, something that is completely out of my current frame of reference.

It requires a lot of strength to face it, and open myself to it, and not to submit to my mind. My mind panics when faced with the irrational, the unknown, and this can call forth a huge range of emotions in me – from utter horror to sheer rage!!

By irrational I do not mean illogical! I know from experience that it is imperative to trust my heart, since it never lies. And even if it does not make sense now, sense will be revealed step by step as I go about my journey – and will bring me new knowledge.

Trying to interpret the irrational as it comes does not work for me, as it boils down to wanting to keep myself stuck in my current frame of reference. It leads to rationalization – something that I call intellectual masturbation, because nothing new is created! The old is repeated, although there is sweet blow all temporal relief.

However, being open to when this happens when amongst people is even more challenging!! But therein lies the gift of claiming even more strength!

I learned a lot from my experience above and a new horison was opened up for me! And in all of this, I recognized just how much strength there is in being vulnerable!

Onnik Merdinyan
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