Question:

Théun, I am feeling a revulsion towards my father. He disgusts me. He is so fat and ugly and does not take care of himself or have any self respect. He tells lies constantly and shovels sentimental crap at me about when we (siblings and myself) were kids (mostly remembered in some fantasy not truth). Dad was a real bully and has always been quite nasty. He did have a wicked sense of humour and made us laugh a lot too. But I cannot abide the lies. He is always living in some dreamworld of winning the lottery, he feels sorry for himself, I could go on…….and on………

Now maybe he is reflecting my ’’excellent’’ qualities back to me. I shall address this.

Then I am feeling pity for dad, none of his family speak to him except me. Poor old git all alone in the world, etc. That is an unhealthy way to feel for sure. Guilt is not supportive to the heart.

Then I am thinking well, he is my dad and I have a responsibility towards taking care of him.

Then I am sad, he will not live for much longer, he has had his moments when he has taken care of me and after a fashion does love me – I think, I feel, I dunno.

Then I get mad at him for being such an energy leech, as if he is using my life to live his. But I am choosing to let him, so why get mad?

Then sometimes we actually have a good time together.

Blinking Hell, I am going round in circles. Help.

Answer:

My friend, what I am going to say now is NOT going to be what you want to hear! LOL! But here goes anyway, and then you can shout at me all you want to.

We ALL, even you, choose our parents for a reason! Now we do not yet know why you chose the father you did, but choose him you did! So as a warrior it is now YOUR responsibility to learn why you chose him to be your father. Having said this I must also add that there is NO reason as to why you should accept your father’s behaviour. From what you have shared it appears that he is very lonely and with no real purpose within life. Perhaps all he really needs in order to pull himself towards himself is to have a REAL friend spelling out for him what he himself is trying to avoid. So what I would suggest is that you sit your father down for an HONEST chat, and then be totally ruthless with him. Don’t spare his feelings, but be totally FIRM as well as GENTLE in telling him what you think of him, how you see him, and how you feel about him and his behaviour. But in doing this you must take CARE to FIRST spell out to him that you DO want to have a relationship with him because you CARE about him.

I am not saying this is going to be easy, but you do not have too many options open to you. You either CONFRONT him, or you choose to do nothing and let him go to pot completely. I myself had to do something similar with my own father many years ago, but my father would not listen to me beyond the face value of my words. As a result he stormed out of my home without even saying goodbye and left. I let him go, knowing that there was nothing more for me to do at that time. I did not hear anything from my father, or see him, for over a year. But then one day he contacted me again as if nothing had ever happened, except that he had changed totally towards me. From that day on until his death we had a very close and meaningful relationship. 🙂 And in looking back upon my life I CAN see that he had been the very best possible father for me!

Relevant Courses:

Relationships IV – The World of Little People

Journey of Adjustment – Relationships in General

Relationships V – The Challenges of Puberty (Teenage Camp 1)

Relationships VI – Hunting for Power (Teenage Camp 2)

Théun Mares
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Article Challenge Confrontation Parent Relationships